I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
