I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
