just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
