Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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