you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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