i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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