I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
