good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
