So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
