Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
