Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
