MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
