It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
