DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
