Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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