This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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