Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
