the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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