Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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