I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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