Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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