Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
