dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
