Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
