After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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