I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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