I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
