genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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