I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
