take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the day after is always just damage control
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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