Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
