In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
