i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
