He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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