YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
