thus making me awesome and them whores
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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