New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
