This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
