last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize