My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my shit smells like andre
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
