The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
