as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
