Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
