i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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