My liver just broke up with me...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
