Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
