the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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