Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
