his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
