I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
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